Useful Information for New Parents

  • A baby can chew through a meter of reinforced concrete in just under one hour. It is advised to keep them away from building foundations.
  • Babies are naturally fluent in Lisp. As their baby parentheses fall out, they transition to Python.
  • Babies are born fans of the Dutch national soccer team. They also prefer PSV Eindhoven to Ajax.
  • If more than five babies are together in one room and they are all awake, they may levitate.
  • Babies may pass through black holes without harm, making them perfect for exploration of parallel universes.
  • You should always hold your baby so that your hand is supporting their head; otherwise your baby’s head may retreat into its armed carapace.
  • Babies are rocket-propelled. You should always carry a net to catch them if they take off.
  • Babies naturally secrete hydrazine.
  • When babies vote, they only do it via methods that satisfy the Condorcet condition.
  • A baby can inflate to three times its normal size when spooked.

One thought on “Useful Information for New Parents”

  1. Ha. You’re a funny guy. Glad I discovered your blog via your devastatingly witty comments on Crooked Timber. Haven’t really read past this post yet, but I will. Salut.

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